What a fucking shit week. What a way to start a blog.
We live in unprecedented times my friends, and what’s going on is having an effect on each and every person on earth. My bubble, the one I live in, has burst. What started out as an internet joke and something that maybe we should be a bit worried about has torn my plans for the next few months apart at the seams, and I’ve had a classic Bailey reaction to it. That reaction is of the borderline manic depressive variety.
Some nice photos because you have to break the text up. Time alone in the Namib Desert, Sport Relief 2020. Credit: Leo Francis Photography.
It starts with stuff being cancelled. Stuff that I was building my life and newish career around – namely the inaugural Rat Race Panama Coast to Coast event. We had almost 40 people ready and primed to take on the hardest endurance challenge I personally have ever done, and then it’s gone. All the mental, physical and logistical preparation is on hold. For all the right reasons, it’s gone. All those people, the clients, the Rat Race staff, the medics, the locals on the ground, all of them who had been meticulously planning for months, suddenly asked to down tools until next year. It’s devastating. More follows. My Viking boat project, aiming to take 30-40 Vikings to run Brighton and Milton Keynes marathons in a 20 odd metre boat to raise money for Children with Cancer has all but gone. Brighton Marathon is postponed until September next year and MK hangs in the balance. Then Centurion postpone the Thames Path 100 mile race, the first in my Grand Slam attempt for this year to September, to a date that I can’t do because I am supposed to be in Kamchatka on a Rat Race Test Pilot trip. The Grand Slam was my A-Game for this year. My trips on recees in April and May are no longer a given. Nothing is. My year is turned upside down. And the same thing is happening to runners, event organisers and freelancers all over the UK.
Absolute LOLs in the Hebrides last year with my girls. This will happen again. Credit: Leo Francis Photography.
The major trigger for my depression, anxiety and general self-loathing has always been abandonment and changes of plan. If someone changes a plan late on, out of the blue, or says they will do something with me and then doesn’t do it, it sends me into a spiral of self-hatred and usually self-destruction. It’s weird because I can usually deal with this if it’s not something that directly affects me and only me – I can cope with changes in distance in races, goal posts being moved etc, but if something is taken away from me, I go full on selfish and dark. I could explain why here, but it’s not the time or place. If something I thought was happening is taken away from me, I feel like I am not in control and I head downwards.
I am a planner. A person who needs to know what’s in front of me. And I am not the only one. I imagine if you are reading this you are that person too. I base my life around the people I work with, run with and hang out with. To have the occasions I get to spend with these people taken away from me is devastating. But here’s the real fucking kicker. There is literally nothing I or you can do about it. And I can’t plan in how to deal with it, because nobody knows what the fuck is going on or when it’s going to change. It’s the perfect storm. Not just for me, but for thousands of other people that suffer with their mental health and even those who don’t yet know that they do. There’s literally nothing to cling onto. All the things we have trained for and looked forward to and meticulously saved up and paid for have gone away for at least 4 months. And yes, there they are still there in the imaginary future, but what are we supposed to do NOW?
Community - that’s what this is all about. Don’t forget that. They maybe idiots, but they are OUR idiots.
Let me make something clear. All this ratty ‘woe is me, fuck this shit’ thought process happened as soon as I found out that Panama was postponed, and lasted approximately 4 days. I, like everyone else, am inherently selfish and all about me. To a point. Then it’s about other people. The thoughts and focus do shift.
I work closely with Race Directors, events teams, photographers, videographers, charities, medics and freelancers who all rely on these events for their sole income, and I know that for them this is worse. They are losing money, they are losing sales, they are losing faith. It’s horrendous. Businesses that provide us with community and pleasure are losing their income. People are losing their shit.
We have to remember that. And we have to be kind. Running to me is completely about community and our communities will suffer if we cannot get together, nourish and develop them. I know a lot of people get into endurance and adventure running because of their varying mental health issues. They find their people and rely on them. They meet up with them, sometimes daily, and run with each other for support, venting and focus. If (when) we are prevented from doing this for any amount of time, those people are in very real danger of going downhill very, very quickly.
Panama Recee 2018. This is where I should be going this week. I’m not, but I will go again. Credit: James Appleton
Then there is the lack of ‘point’ and lack of focus. Having a marathon taken away from you when you have been training for it for so long is a bit like being jilted at the altar – especially for first timer or people trying to complete a goal or series. It means you just stop. It’s left you. Then there is the ‘Fuck this shit, it’s not worth it, I am not doing it anymore’ to deal with. I know that happens because that’s what’s happened to me this week. I’m not proud of it, but it’s happened. I need to reset and reprioritise. I know that. But I want you guys to know that as well. There will come a time when we can’t go out and run. We won’t be allowed to. We need to make hay while the sun still shines. And remember that when it stops, it will shine again. If we all think about each other as much as we think about ourselves, we can all shoulder a bit of this and then nobody has to shoulder all of it.
Do not claim on insurance or demand refunds. If your flight is cancelled, you have lost a bit of money. If we all lose a bit of money, it’s better than travel and insurance companies going bust because every single fucker is demanding a refund or insurance claim. Think before you act. Think about the big picture.
Race and event directors need you now more than ever. They need you to start forward planning and they need you to believe. They need you to see the end of the storm and sign up for stuff later in the year or next year. They don’t need you bitching about their policies and procedures. They are doing their very best. And you need them. You need hope. They provide that. The goalposts have moved, so aim for them and find new ones.
Solo adventures with Pie will become the new normal for now.
If there’s one thing that we can all take from this, it’s the fact we have been incredibly lucky to have our freedom of movement. I meet so many people that put living their life off. My advice to you is just do it now.
Sign up for that bucket list event, race or adventure. You can always make more money and life is short and precious. We are reminded of this every day at the moment. If there was a time to do it, the time is now. I will not stop planning new adventures, recees and stupid races. I will be sad they are not happening now, but I will use all the time I have, while I can, to keep getting out and training for them and planning them for when this is over. I’m heading off to the lakes next week for an adventure week on my own with my dog to explore and enjoy being outside for at least a few hours a day. I have made a promise to myself to prioritise an adventure a day – even if that’s a five-mile run that I have done before a million times with Pickle the wonder dog. I can’t let this consume me. Don’t let it consume you.
Like all the hardest endurance challenges, this too shall end. Finishing RTTW 2019 with Cath Wallis. Photo Credit: Leo Francis Photography.
Charities need you to get on board. They need you to have faith and sign up for stupid, fun projects. Sign up for the boat. Sign up for that 10K in October. Get involved with new people online. Support them in physical as well as mental and virtual ways. As runners we are resilient and creative. Be that person.
Don’t allow yourself to fall into the hole. I get more pleasure from helping other people than I ever have had completing something myself, and you can too. Make yourself available if you can. Don’t buy shit you don’t need. I’m pretty sure most people have enough in their cupboards to keep them going for weeks. If you run out of loo roll use a fucking buff and wash it. That’s what they’re for.
And continue to dream big. This will pass and we can come out of it glorious. It’s fucking hard, but this is a test of us as runners and humans. It’s not enough to tell people to be kind on the internet. Do it in real life. Be the change. I have a tattoo in my arm which is a Biffy lyric. It says “Take the pieces and build them skywards”. That’s what we need to be doing. Use this time to think and plan. And reach out to me if you need anything. Be safe. And read this. It’s relevant. I love you all.
“If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
If - Rudyard Kipling
”
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